The Best Compliment You Can Give

Pay attention to the types of compliments you hear people give each other during the day. How many of them are based on appearance?  Like “I love your hair” and “Is that a new skirt?” and “You look so skinny!”

The first time I lost weight, I got a lot of compliments. I got them from people I barely knew, barely spoke to. A distant co-worker from another department. The elderly crossing guard I pass by on my daily walk to train every day even pulled me aside. It seemed like everyone was invested in how good I looked. I felt good, walked taller. Felt more confident, more beautiful. At the same time, I felt conspicuous, self-conscious, a little embarrassed. My body felt exposed, on display.

It made me nervous too. My new body was a precarious thing. I didn’t feel like it belonged to me entirely. It didn’t feel real. Then when I gained back the weight back, I wanted to hide. I felt ashamed, like I’d let people down. Like I was a fraud, a failure.

The second time I lost the weight, I wanted to do it in secret. I wore baggy clothes in bigger sizes for as long as I could. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the compliments. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, and I didn’t want my “failure” to be one for public consumption. Then I became emboldened and embraced it. The rush of compliments came. But people got used to my weight loss and the compliments stopped. I had some personal problems, I didn’t feel good about myself. I did a lot of emotional eating. I went out drinking a lot. The weight came back.

Now I’m trying to find a place that’s realistic. I’m focused on my health. I had knee problems and I had trouble walking. I wrote about it here. I care about how look, but more about how I feel. I’m 40 now. The last time I lost the weight I was doing it for appearances sake, to meet a guy. I was 30. Now I have a great husband who loves me regardless of my size. That helps a lot.

I’m working myself from the inside out. I’m trying to feel good about myself in ways that have nothing to do with my weight. I’m trying to make myself believe that no matter where I wind up this time, body-wise, that I like myself for reasons that having nothing to do with my reflection in the mirror. Continue reading

Stories of Substance: Body Image Round-Up

Every week, I come across so many interesting articles and blog posts dealing with body image issues. I just can’t talk about all of them! So I’ve decided to unveil (drum roll, please) Stories of Substance! Once a week (or somewhere thereabouts) I’ll do a Stories of Substance post with some links I think you should check out.

Love This!  The media was snarking Ashley Judd all over the place after she appeared on a Canadian talk show, in which her face appeared “puffy.” She was accused of such things (horrors!) as plastic surgery, gaining weight and aging. But Ashley didn’t take their trash-talk lying down. She wrote an article for the Daily Beast, in which expressed her disgust of how the media treats women and body image:

The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.

You can listen to an interview she did regarding the article here as well.

Horrible! Would you let a doctor stick a feeding tube up your nose to lose weight? Some brides are doing just that to lose weight before their “big day.” Shame on the doctors for contributing to this ill-advised and unhealthy behavior. Read about it here.

Beautiful blog post! What is a real woman? Is she curvy or pencil-thin? Does she diet or eschew diets in any form? Read this wonderful blog post celebrating women and their myriad of choices (and our right to make them without judgment).

Frightening “Beauty” Trend in Japan!  In Japan, orthodontics are being using to make crooked, fang-like teeth to give women an endearing and child-like look. Apparently women even have teeth implanted to create this look men apparently find attractive. Ugh. Read about it here.

Can Posing Nude Improve Your Body Image? It worked for Kate Winslet in Titanic, which is celebrating its 15 (!) year anniversary. Author Diana Spechler penned this beautiful real-life essay of body image and college friendships for The Hairpin.

Enjoy! What articles have you read recently about body image?

Carrie Fisher Loses 70 Pounds and Sells Herself Short

Carrie Fisher just lost 70 pounds and she’s dishing to Harper’s Bazaar about it. This article, called “The Skinny on my New Life” bothered the hell out of me. Carrie Fisher has accomplished a lot in her life as an actress and an author. She’s also fought addiction and bipolar disorder and been an inspiring speaker and advocate for these communities.  What upset me about this article is how she talks about how now that she’s lost weight, she first feels comfortable dating again:

…But since I’ve lost the weight, I’m more confident and I’m looking forward to dating. I’m ready to go out there and find my one and only, the hero to my heroine, the prince to my princess….

…I’m now inches away from actually being the thinner woman who can join a dating Web site….

…The best thing about potentially dating at this lower weight is that my so-called suitor has a choice. He’s no longer restricted to being able to like me for only my mind—no sirree, Bob. Now he can like me for my mind or my alternative or both. Because I believe in the right to choose, don’t you?…

…I’m not quite on Facebook yet, so I thought that in the meantime, I would write about what it’ll be like when I eventually do date. And that will happen when my next (and final) husband reads this. Let’s get this party started…

The pain behind her jokes stung. It makes me sad that this vibrant and accomplished woman feels like she needed to lose 70 lbs in order not to feel ashamed. And to even try to date. I’m insecure and I’m far less (read: extremely far less) accomplished than Carrie. Yes, I’ve felt (and been)  rejected by men in the past because of my weight. But I put myself out there and found men to date (some who even loved me) when I was at my heaviest. I had men who I dated when I was thin and then I gained weight. They continued to  loved me—mind and body. Which unfortunately isn’t always the case, but is how it should be. And I seriously doubt I’m more lovable in any way than Carrie. Continue reading

Same Girl With New Jeans, Feeling Good

This past weekend, I was thinking about my weight loss (up to 95 or so pounds) since the summer of 2010. I went shopping and bought jeans a size or two smaller than the ones I’d been wearing. I also picked up my engagement and wedding rings, which I’d had resized. Both rings had become loose on my finger and I was using ring guards, one of which broke a few weeks ago. So I finally decided to take the plunge, as the jeweler told me I was down two ring sizes. I was nervous because it felt so permanent. And these are my engagement and wedding rings, after all. I made a point of asking her whether my rings would be able to be resized if they got too tight again. She reassured me they could.

My weight loss was also on my mind because I went to the doctor for a physical a couple of weeks ago. He went over the results of my blood test with me line by line. Blood pressure-perfect. No more medication for me. Cholesterol-perfect. Lipos, good fats, bad fats, things he explained to me but I don’t remember what they were, all good. I should be taking Vitamin D. I can do that. I felt like I was receiving a perfect report card.

I can feel the changes. I have more energy. I can walk quickly up stairs without getting winded. I can zip down New York City streets, weaving around people to get to my destination quicker. I fit into train seats and restaurant booths without it being tight. I can sit Indian-style comfortably on the floor.

I write on this blog about body image and loving yourself no matter what size you are. In a way sometimes I’ve worried if my words were consistent with my weight loss efforts and taking joy in my newly found body and health. In part, I felt almost afraid to get excited. What if it doesn’t stick? If I regain weight, I still want to love and accept myself. Because I was worthy of love and acceptance before. For that reason, I felt guilty about feeling a twinge of excitement when looking at the scale, trying on my newly sized rings and new jeans. Looking at myself in the full length fitting room mirror and realizing I look thinner than I pictured myself. Continue reading

Interview With Plus Size Model Sara Alloy-Part 2

Photographer Roberto Ligresti, Makeup Rene Court

I’m back with the smart and beautiful plus size model Sara Alloy, who was nice enough to talk to me about modeling, body image and all sorts of things. Without further ado…..

Let’s talk a bit more about the plus size modeling industry. What advice do you give to aspiring models?

If somebody writes to me, I say I’m not an agent, and it’s completely subjective so it’s hard for to say. I could say “you’re beautiful” and they could go to an agency and get turned down, so my opinion is only worth so much. I ask them how tall they are and what their measurements are and let them know the basic requirements. If they’re 5’9″, that’s a great starting point. Next I say that it’s important how proportionate you are. The taller you are the bigger you can be. So if you’re 5’11” being a size 16 or 18 is more acceptable. If you’re 5’8″ or 5’9″  they want you to be a 12 or a 14. I tell them examples of the type of work I’ve done and expect to do. A lot of them get the wrong idea from shows like America’s Next Top Model as to what you can do.

Where do you tell them the most opportunities are?

Mostly print and web work, some editorials. There are very few runway shows for us these days, which is why Full Figured Fashion Week is so great.

I went to Full Figured Fashion Week and one of the retailers there was talking about how they would use smaller size women and then pin the clothing in the back to make it look like it fits. Have you seen that?

Absolutely. They want to show the clothes as fitting who will be wearing the clothes. Sometimes they can’t get a sample that will fit the model, so they will pin the clothes. I don’t think pinning is as controversial as padding to size up.

Women at Full Figured Fashion Week said that they had done research and plus size consumers don’t want to see plus size models that look like them. Instead they want to see smaller models that give them something to aspire towards. Would you like to comment on that?

I think most women idealize a slightly smaller size, whether or not they admit it. I might be a size 14, but often times I’m shopping where the models are much smaller. Naturally you envision yourself reflecting what you see in the advertising. I’m putting on my advertising hat when I’m speaking like this, but honestly, what they are doing is good marketing. You are ultimately selling people a dream. Even if you are comfortable with who you are, it’s so drilled into our heads that we should be thinner than we are that when you go shopping you automatically look at a mannequin or model and see yourself reflected in whatever advertising you’re looking at.

So do you think that a size 20 wants to see a size 20 or that a size 20 would rather see a size 16 or 18?

They say they want to see a size 20 but honestly every time they try to use a size 20 or other bigger sizes they don’t sell the clothes. If a company books a size 18 model and the clothes aren’t selling, they aren’t going to book the model again. I’d like to see more diverse models used, but the retailers aren’t going to respond to what customers say, they’re going to respond to what their sales say. As consumers we all need to be better about voting with our dollars.

What do you think would change that?

I think the shoot Steven Meisel did for Vogue Italia was very helpful. Rosie Mercado who was the face of Full Figured Fashion Week 2 years ago, she’s larger but she’s so beautiful. She’s tall and carries herself with such confidence that clothes look great on her. They could use someone like her, and have Steven Meisel shoot her and put her in a high fashion spread and show that ideal of beauty.

Do you think the change will come from retailers or designers or consumers improving their body image so they want to see models that look like them or a combination?

I think it’s a combination because on the one hand you have imagery drilled in our heads from the time we are little girls, you’re seeing the actresses on TV from  the time you start watching it, you’re seeing them in magazines, you are being told everywhere that you need to be a certain way. So that is a problem, that girls are being bombarded. We’re conditioned to think that skinny is beautiful.

On top of that designers don’t cut clothes for bigger girls. Agents won’t book bigger girls so it seems as if they feel it’s a waste of time to put bigger girls on their boards. So there are no bigger girls to shoot campaigns should they decide to use bigger girls. It’s a cyclical thing. Continue reading

Interview With Jenny Gardiner (Author of Slim to None)-Part 2

In Part 1 of my interview with Jenny Gardiner, we talked about her novel Slim to None and the body image issues the main character Abbie deals with.

During our conversation, we also spoke more broadly about body image issues. Jenny and I discussed how body image issues affect so many women and how hard it is for us all to deal with them.  As Jenny said herself:

Find me a female in the United States who doesn’t have body image issues. You could be tall, short, thin, fat, average, whatever and you’re not happy with what you have. This is certainly not helped along by our culture that promotes being emaciated, young and perfect. I think it’s even sadder when you see how women feel so paranoid about aging- – it’s hard to find women who aren’t having some sort of procedure done to stave off the process.

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of newly-retired couples and you’ll see these women you might have seen at the gym or at book club looking every one of their 55 years, and then they show up looking like The Joker from Batman with this weird uplifted pull on their mouths and a perpetually surprised look in their eyes because their faces have been pulled back from so much plastic surgery. When I see older actresses on screen looking their age I silently applaud their rejecting the pressures they must feel 100 times worse than your average woman to try to pretend they’re still young.

Cristina: Have you always had body image issues yourself and how have you dealt with them?

Jenny: When I was growing up there was SO much emphasis in my household on how I looked. My father would always warn/threaten me that if I wasn’t careful I was going to look like this aunt who was pretty overweight. It was dangled in front of me all the time (“you have such a pretty face,” the inference was I was going to be a fat ugly cow). And I was a very active, athletic, healthy kid growing up.

But I was always told I was pretty, and there wasn’t all this reinforcing going on about what was inside of me, rather the superficial me. I probably went to the other extreme with my kids and NEVER told them they were pretty or beautiful or handsome, rather emphasized what wonderful people they are. Perhaps I could’ve thrown in more of the “you’re pretty” stuff but I wanted to send the message that how you are in the inside matters far more than what you look like on the outside.

As far as how I’ve dealt with body image issues? God, in some ways that has been a defining thing for me, which is despicable, isn’t it? But one thing I have always known is I am happiest when I am in good physical shape. If I’m exercising daily and feel strong I’m a much happier person. If I’m in a pissy mood, all I need to do is exercise and get those endorphins flowing and I feel much better. This is something I’ve tried to instill in my kids as well.

Cristina: What do you say to your children about body image issues?

Jenny: I’ve actually been really overly conscientious with my kids (we have a boy and two girls) about this stuff. I had a roommate in college who–unbeknownst to me and her other friends–had an eating disorder that she ultimately died from, which was so damned tragic and needless. She was so fun and smart and clever and witty and here she was so obsessed with her body that she actually destroyed it. This was back in the early 80′s. We all knew enough about anorexia back then because of Karen Carpenter dying from it. But no one knew about bulimia which was what Annie had. As far as we knew, she ate just fine. But we didn’t know that she was taking laxatives and likely also throwing up much of what she ate as well. She binge-ate but we actually laughed about it because we had NO idea this was something indicative of a far deeper–and deadly–secret. It wasn’t till she dropped out of school that we found packages of laxatives underneath her bed and started learning the truth.

But because of this I have been downright obsessive in teaching my kids to be happy with their bodies and to practice moderation in their lives. Last time I looked no one ever died from moderation. We’ve worked hard to try to get our kids to eat as healthily as possible (though with three kids with very different eating habits I am convinced much of what people are inclined to want to eat is predetermined and I know you can’t force-feed someone vegetables!).

When my kids were little one of the girls was friends with a girl across the street who was 10 years old and whose mother was OBSESSED with her body. She had a fabulous one and she flaunted it. But she was always going on these cabbage soup diets and fixating on her pencil thin daughter being skinny–so much so that this child would only drink diet sodas and would join her mother on her frequent cabbage soup diets. The girl was emaciated yet was dieting. Ridiculous.

Losing Weight

Jenny and I also talked about body image in general. I told that I wanted to write about Slim to None for my blog because the weight loss and body image topics it deals with are a constant battle and fixation for so many women. Abbie’s story resonated with me and I felt it would with other readers.  We shared our mutual significant weight losses over the past year with each other (60 pounds for Jenny!)

Cristina: What inspired you to lose the weight?

Jenny: I guess it’s sort of ironic that I had hit a bad spot in my life just like Abbie, shortly after Slim to None was released [in 2010]. It seemed that just about everything was imploding in on me last year and on top of that, I’d been super unhappy with my weight for ages. When I turned 40 I was in great shape and felt terrific but then I had a succession of injuries that waylaid me and kept me from going to the gym and I got so fat (I HAVE to work out or I gain weight so easily). So over the course of several years I’d put on so much weight and just felt so trapped that way.

Cristina: How did you go about losing the weight? Continue reading

Interview With Jenny Gardiner (Author of Slim to None)-Part One

I was lucky enough to have the chance to talk to the smart and articulate author Jenny Gardiner about her great novel Slim to None, as well as to discuss body image issues, including her personal struggles and recent weight loss. You can get a sneak peak at the first chapter of Slim to None here.

Slim to None’s heroine Abbie Jennings is Manhattan’s restaurant critic, until her weight makes it impossible for her to visit the restaurants without being recognized. When she’s “outed” by a picture of herself in the New York Post, her editor puts her on a desk job and gives her six months to lose weight in order to get her job back. Abbie’s put in the unique position of eating for a living, then not eating for a living, in order to continue to eat for a living. She’s forced to deal with her own relationship with food, as a source of both pleasure and a way of dealing with her emotions.

Cristina: So what inspired you to write Slim to None?

Jenny: I wanted to write this novel for the same reason I wrote Sleeping With Ward Cleaver. I love to write about issues about which pretty much everyone has an opinion. I had enough conversations with married friends over the years to know that Ward would resonate with pretty much every woman who’d ever been in a relationship with a man for more than, oh, say, ten minutes. And I knew food issues and body image issues are something with which every woman struggles, no matter how entitled she is to have those issues (like no doubt Jennifer Anniston has these issues and she really ought not, ya know what I mean?!).

Cristina: As a fellow writer one of the things I most admired was how you presented with such grace a funny, engaging and likeable character dealing with so many life issues without making Abbie too whiny, depressed and feeling sorry for herself. How did you accomplish this?

Jenny: Thanks! I just wrote a character I’d like to hang out with. She’s flawed, but who isn’t it? She’s got a big heart, she wouldn’t hurt a fly, and she means well. She’s just lost her way in the woods, and I wanted to help her find her way out.

Cristina: Abbie tries to balance her love of food and the place it has had in her life with her need to be healthy, deal with her emotions, and find other things to replace food in her life.  What has she learned and how has she changed by the end of the novel?

Jenny: Abbie did what a lot of people do: she buried emotions in food for comfort’s sake. It became a habit for her. She really knew no other way. What she needed was this cattle prod to force her to wake up and figure out a better way to exist. She learned that food isn’t her salvation, although it can certainly be a source of pleasure. But she had to find happiness from within, and realized she had taken for granted, such as her relationship with her husband. And she sort of took herself for granted as well. By the end Abbie had found a much healthier balance in her life, to the point that what she thought was most important (her career) ended up not being all that important after all.

Cristina: Do you think Abbie would have lost weight if not for it being a requirement to save her job? Why do you think her job was so important to her?

Jenny: I fear she’d have slogged along just doing what she did. I mean, she lived a kind, understated fine-enough life but she was stagnant. I think her job was important to her because it was something she thought she had total control over. It was something she’d worked so hard to get and she thought it was the answer to her problems. Only it wasn’t. Continue reading

She Writes.com Blogger Ball!

Welcome to the SheWrites Blogger Ball!

If you are visiting from the She Writes Blogger Ball, thank for coming.  Great to meet fellow writers.

I started my women’s positive body image blog to share my insights and experiences and develop a community where we women can all reach out and help each other.  I’ve always had body images myself.  Years ago I had an eating disorder, I’ve yo-yo dieted, and over the past year lost 90 pounds through healthy means. I feel it’s time for smart, dynamic women to stop hating our bodies and tearing ourselves down. Our fixations can cripple us and prevent us from leading the fulfilling lives we want and deserve. Continue reading

Sangria and Nachos: Essential Weight Loss Tools

I went to a sangria tasting last night. Fig sangria? It wasn’t bad. Who knew?  I also split an order of nachos and ate a dinner that included french fries.

Yes, I’m on a diet. It’s been a year now. I’ve lost nearly 90 lbs. And if I didn’t do things like the sangria tasting, dinner with friends, wine & cheese classes, and eat my mother’s Thanksgiving stuffing, I don’t think I would have lost that much. Or even if I had, I don’t think I’d have as good of a chance at keeping it off.

Here’s why. In the past when I went on diets losing similar amounts of weight, I executed them with military precision. There were “good” foods and there were “bad” foods. I feared holidays and social occasions, and did extensive pre-planning, trying to figure out what I could eat that would do the least damage. Eat as little as I could beforehand to conserve calories.

So then it was a toss-up as to whether I’d be “good” or “bad.” I’d either come home proud of my resolve or chasticizing myself for my failure. Sometimes I’d be so hungry at the event from not eating, or simply had cravings for the food before me, that I’d throw caution to the wind. Eat as much as I could, perhaps lubricated with alcohol to loosen up and give myself permission. Afterwards I’d try to make up for it, eating as little as possible, hoping to balance things out.

But you can’t live like that forever. Once I’d lost weight I didn’t have a goal to aspire towards. Just maintenance. Just trying to tread water. The binges and the resentment intensified and became more frequent. I felt myself slipping, and then I just let go. Continue reading

What If You Lost Half Your Body Weight Only To Be Traded In For Someone Twice Your Size?

What would you do if after losing half your body weight, your husband left you for a woman twice your size? In Stacey Ballis’ latest novel, Good Enough to Eat, main character Melanie Hoffman finds herself in this position. She gave up her long-hour, fast food-fueled attorney position to take care of her health, study nutrition and cooking, and open up a health food café only to find herself replaced by a larger model.

Melanie is forced to ask herself the question: What does it mean to finally become a “thin person”?  To those struggling with their weight, Melanie’s accomplishment appears to be the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, as I know all too well (and am still learning) through my own weight losses and subsequent gains, getting rid of the weight is just the beginning. Continue reading

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