You may recall my interview with Mary Dimino, a comedienne I met at her show Scared Skinny: A One (Hundred Pound Lighter) Woman Show. If you haven’t seen it and/or read the interview, you should definitely check it out.

I’m now pleased to report that her much-anticipated book, Scared Skinny No More, is now available and has a five-star rating on Amazon! This fabulous book is equal parts entertaining and informative, with the combined wit and personality of Mary Dimino, and expertise of Dr. Brad Johnson, who has over 20 years of experience in the wellness and fitness field. This refreshing and easy to read book focuses on health and learning to love yourself, rather than numbers on a scale. Her interesting perspective is a must-read.

I had the pleasure of talking to Mary about her book. Read on to hear what she had to say about it.

What made you decide to write this book?

I wrote Scared Skinny No More with Dr. Brad Johnson to inspire and heighten society’s awareness. I feel it’s a very significant book for our times. Today, our culture has established thinness as the standard for health, beauty and even morality. If you’re not skinny, you’re criticized.

All women feel the pressure to be thin, not just overweight women. Thin woman feel the pressure to be even thinner. That’s why it is called Scared Skinny No More.

In today’s culture women’s voices, our personhood, our potential and accomplishments are minimized by weight bias. This weight bias is perpetuated by the media. The media’s obsession with celebrity weights and personal appearance sends a message to all women. Your body is an object, meant to be admired within a narrow standard of beauty, and it you don’t fit the mold, than expect criticism.

For example, over the last 20 years, the number of skinny women in the media went from 35% to nearly 80%. So that means when you watch tv or read a magazine, only 20% of the women you see there represent an average weight. In the 80′s, the average model was a size 8, today, the average model is a size 0. We’re diminishing women to were they don’t even look like women anymore.

I want to change that. In the writing this book, I found myself inspired. My hopes and dreams for Scared Skinny No More is to initiate a paradigm shift. Our focus needs to be getting health, not on getting skinny.

What is the most important message you’d like readers to take away from this book?

Health does not know an exact pound. Ideal is not a body shape, or a body weight. Ideal is healthy.

Another important point that I and the good doctor make in this book is that weight bias drives the weight loss industry. They play on our fear of being fat,our need to look like everyone else, to be accepted, so we spend billions on products that have a 95% failure rate. Yes, the weight loss industry has a 95% failure rate! Corporations use our own fear of fat against us. We are literally being scared skinny.

Also, many times we blame ourselves, but there is so much blame to go around, it doesn’t necessarily fall squarely on your shoulders. The processed foods we’re eating, the magazines we’re reading, the cookware we’re using, the restaurants in which we’re dining –they’re all making us fat. This book exposes the obesegins and chemicals put into products that make us fat. What we don’t know is making us fat! We need to be aware of these things so we can make better choices. When you know better, you do better. I want to get people in the know!

How can we balance self-improvement with loving who we are/our bodies now and what’s worked for you?

I believe a good life is all about balance and gratitude. Once we can be grateful for what we have, miracles occur. For me, I think of all the wonderful things my body has done through out my life. Instead of focusing on how fat your legs may or may not look, think of all the miles your legs have taken you. Where they’ve gone for you, how far they’ve taken you. They brought you everywhere you needed to go, hadn’t they? Feel the appreciation for their good work. It really makes you love your body for the things it has done, and will do tomorrow.

From that point of appreciation, change occurs.

You discuss self-empowerment really well in the book. Can you touch on that a bit?

We need to take control of our health. It’s hard to feel empowered if you’re not healthy. Dr Brad and I give you what you need in Scared Skinny No More to start on this road towards health.

Next, we need to find time for ourselves. I think that is a big key to self-empowerment. Our male counterparts seem to be a bit better at that. As mothers, wives and working women, we especially need to do this. It is so self-empowering to carve out an hour each day for a walk, a work out, yoga or whatever physical activity you enjoy. In the end, it’s really about enjoying life, enjoying your food and enjoying your relationships.

It’s about your mind, body and spirit all working together towards health and well-being. An integrated relationship.

What have you personally found to be the best way of dealing with stress and emotional eating?

My way of dealing with stress is to move. A fifteen minute walk with my puppy, some stretching moves, a quick workout. I also try not to have my trigger foods in the home, this way when I get stressed, I can keep the emotional eating to a minimum. If I do need some comfort food, I no longer go to processed, pre-packaged foods. Instead I’ll make some hot air popped pop corn, have a piece of dark chocolate and indulge in my favorite tv show. And most importantly, breathe. Just breathe.

 Anything you’d like to add that I haven’t covered?

I want to thank you Cristina for the good work that you do. Your blogs and your writings are an inspiration to women everywhere. We need more realistic role models. We need more REAL women in the media. I think you and I can make a difference.

In the end, my wish for our readers is to enjoy life to the fullest, to find health and live there.

Much thanks to Mary for the kind compliment and for taking the time to talk to me about her new book!

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Excellent article on xoJane about whether dieting or not dieting is right for the author, and whether we should be apologizing to those around us for whatevever decision we make.

At a California restaurant called Chilly D’s, three women were shocked to receive a bill for their food with “fat girls” typed on it. Read about how they stood up for themselves and what happened to the guilty waiter  here.

Interesting New York Times article about how teenage boys struggle with body image issues and unattainable goals.

Great blog post by Rosie Molinary on shifting self-perspective and how others see us much more positively than we see ourselves.

Timely post on Adios Barbie on maintaining a positive body image during the holiday season.

Love this article on Salon by Melissa Febos about how she’s dealt with her “strong, manly hands” and what our hands say about us.

Stretch marks are a natural part of life, not a “serious health issue”! See how this author comes to term with her own on The Gloss.

Hope you are enjoying the holidays and I’ll write more soon!

If we all couldn’t always have as much fun as these 2 girls every time we went out. Heh.

Back when I was single and going out to the bars, a friend of mine complained to me she felt like she was her roommate’s “duff.”  I’d never heard of the expression. According to the Urban Dictionary, a duff is an ugly friend that women hang out with to make themselves look better by comparison. Men, in turn, see a duff as the ugly gatekeeper (a c*ck blocker, to be more crass), that gets in the way of them hitting on a hotter friend. Supposedly men will sometimes have a “wingman” friend actually distract and hit on the Duff so that another guy in their group can hit on the more attractive woman without interruption.

Strangely, some say when it comes to men, having a more attractive friend seems to sometimes help, rather than hurt them rather than women. With men, there seems to be the attitude that hanging out with good-looking guys somehow makes them more attractive and desirable. And that if they are lucky, they might get their friends’ discards (assuming they are attractive enough, of course). Double standards, ugh.

Is it possible for women with different “degrees” of conventional attractiveness to be friends? These are all generalizations and theories and subjective of course. It definitely makes me thankful I’m not out there trying to meet someone anymore.  Do I think it’s true? I’m going to give the noncommittal answer, sometimes.

I think sometimes we women do it to ourselves. We judge ourselves, find ourselves lacking and assume others see us the same way. There have been times I’ve been jealous of friends and felt like everyone saw me as the uglier one. I was projecting my insecurities onto other people, which wasn’t right of me to do. Then again, I have had some friends that I think acted and believed they were superior. I do think they looked down on me, and they were pretty lousy friends overall. I’m glad to be rid of them. No one should put up with that.

And yes, I’ve had friends that many would say were prettier than me that I had a healthy, non-jealous relationship with. They were good friends, didn’t think or act like they were superior to me. We got along great. I was in a better place mentally, and I didn’t let envy come between us. As it should be.

On the flip side, I’ve had friends that I was “conventionally” better-looking than. I keep stressing “conventionally” because beauty as dictated by society is so narrow and subjective. And we are all attractive in our own ways. When I had friends society would probably say I was more attractive than, I didn’t feel better than them. I saw beauty in them. I saw all these things I loved about them, qualities and characteristics about them I thought were great and wanted to develop in myself.

I read this great article on xoJane about a girl whose two closest friends are models. They manage to have a happy, healthy and supportive friendship. You should check it out.

As for men? Sure, I think there are plenty that do think of and treat women like duffs. Which makes them, frankly, pretty immature and not that the type of partner we want. I don’t think they are all that way. I also think bars often bring out the worst in people, and aren’t the best way to meet someone special. Not that it doesn’t happen, but it’s tough out there.

My advice would be to be aware and discriminating, but to give people a chance and try not to get paranoid. A tall order, sometimes. Good friends are hard to come by. Good men are hard to come by. Appreciate them when you have them. And don’t be afraid to let a friend or guy go who isn’t treating you right.

Also, you can’t stop other people from judging and comparing, but you can control your own thoughts. There’s nothing to be gained from measuring yourself against other people. Try to work on feeling good about yourself instead.

Have you ever felt like a duff? Or treated someone like one? Do you think men with more attractive friends are somehow more desirable?

You’ve had to deal with being called fat your whole life. Then your daughter calls a classmate fat. How do you deal with it? In this amazing essay in Allure Magazine by one of my favorite authors, Jennifer Weiner, she tackles this issue.

A TV News Anchor in Wisconsin named Jennifer Livingston received a cruel letter from a viewer chastizing her for weight. She didn’t take his bullying lying down. Instead she spoke out and addressed him and the issue of fat-shaming on the air.  Here is her original statement about him and a follow up interview on the Today Show here. The man that confronted her turned out to be a personal injury lawer named Kenneth Krause, who issued an unapologetic statement standing by his words and offering to help Jennifer lose weight. I kid you not. Read about it and see a picture of the guy here. Jennifer’s brother is actor Ron Livingston of the movie Office Space (love!) who is standing by his sister here. Krause finally apologized, but it was feeble and only because a television team cornered him in a parking lot.

What role does modesty and covering up play in the objectification of women? Thoughtful post on Beauty Redefined talks about this subject in Modest is Hottest? The Revealing Truth.

Are we treating our bodies like the enemy? Read The War Within: Your Body, Your Self  on Adios Barbie to find out.

Are thin people secretly jealous of fat people? A writer claims this to be true on Huffington Post.

Great article on male body image and superheroes on Edit-Free Society.

From the time I got my working papers in my early teens and my first job, I shopped too much. I purveyed fashion magazines looking at fashion and beauty trends, trying to find an affordable way to mimic what I saw. My family was less well-off than most of my classmates and I paid for most of my clothes myself since I was fourteen or so.

I spent much of my time feeling cheap, conspicuous and ugly. I was the ultimate consumer. I studied makeup tips, believing if I found the right cosmetics (and the techniques to go along with it); I could cover up my acne and transform my face into something more attractive. Each new product represented newfound hope. But the makeup never really lived up to its promise, and the pimples always seemed to push through, uncontainable. My lips never got plumper, and my cheekbones didn’t come out of hiding. My ruddy complexion refused to be erased by creams or powders; it revealed itself, red and angry.

I thought the right clothes could make my body look slimmer, more appealing. I hid beneath clothes that were much too large. I saved up for name brands—Espirit, Benetton, Jordache, Guess (yes, this was the 80’s and I’m dating myself.) I thought the right label would make me legitimate, help me fit in. Once, I was thrilled to find a cheap Benetton sweatshirt at a flea market. Silly me, I was new to the concept of knock-offs. A helpful, richer, and savvier classmate pointed it out to me. I was a fake, a fraud.

Who was I, what was my style? Fashion had the infinite possibility to allow me to express myself, establish my identity. Cashing my minimum wage paycheck, and circling my suburban mall on Sunday afternoons, going from store to store and trying to buy self-expression. I even cut school periodically to go to Macy’s One Day Sales. Yes, I was a rebel.

I went through a stage when I said screw self-expression, I just wanted guys to think I was sexy. Anything that I could wear that would attract men, I was all for. It was a push and pull game between trying to expose as much as I could, while hiding all that I felt I needed to. Show cleavage but hide my stomach rolls. Show some leg, but not the fattest part of my thighs.

Complicating the issue was that my body refused to stay one size. Gain weight, lose weight. Clothes scaling up and down the size charts. Not only was I spending too money, but the days were numbered as to how long I could wear what I bought before I outgrew them or they were too big. I felt dizzy, out of control.

So much money spent. Makeup that got old, unused. Clothes with the tags never taken off.

I slowed down my shopping. As my weight went up and down, I tried to pull from my stash, the ready-made wardrobes I had in a variety of sizes. I winced at bad purchases I made (did I really think I was going to wear that?) Things went out of style. Gradually I purged, cleaned out my closet.

I don’t shop like I used to. Save the very occasional impulse purchase, I only buy makeup when I really need. I wear less and I don’t really experiment so much anymore. I don’t have the time. Besides, who has the money in this lousy, downwardly mobile economy? Certainly not me, that’s for damn sure.

Clothes too, I try really hard to buy only what I need. I’m still trying to stabilize my weight, to be one consistent size. I thought I was there, and now I’ve fluctuated a bit. I’m a bit scared; I’m trying to regain my footing. I’m trying to get a sense of who I am, to bring my life into clarity and focus.

I want to look my best. Both for my own self-esteem and because everyone judges you based on how you look. Which is so wrong, but that’s another story. I still feel rushes of insecurity, the urge to buy myself something, to indulge in some retail therapy. I want that perk, that pick-me-up. I tell myself that the security of having my money in order, of having the free time and ability to pursue what is fun, interesting and important to me is more important than stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. I still think it’s important to enjoy your appearance, to have fun with it. I love clothes, makeup, accessories, even though they play a lesser role in my life. And I still think it’s important to express yourself. I’m not ready to lead an austere existence by any means. But if I’m buying something I don’t strictly, strictly need, I want it to be something that I’m going to enjoy. I want it to be something that makes me happy, rather than something that has the unwieldy, impossible task of making me feel less sad and bad about myself.

My credit cards don’t need to bear the weight of my self-esteem. And I work too hard to have to pay those bills. It’s hard enough out there as it is.

There are so many great blogs out there! Check out these great posts and news articles I found this week.

Personal, thought-provoking examination about Breaking The Connection Between “Thin” and “Healthy on Fit and Feminist.

Sally McGraw of Already Pretty takes a look at our thinking as we make changes to our appearance, and how our body image is affected, in Shame and Motivation.

Did you know that food actually isn’t our enemy that needs to battled and eliminated by exercise? Food and exercise are our friends, we need them both working in tandem to be healthy. Great article on The Fat Nutritionist about thinking about and utilizing food and exercise together in a healthy way.

Love this article by Kate Fridkis on Eat The Damn Cake called Stop Waiting to be Prettier.

Do Minnie Mouse and her Disney friends need to be put on a diet. Apparently Barneys NY thinks so. Check them out here and here. Seriously, is nothing sacred?

What do you do if your adult child has an eating disorder. Excellent advice on Weightless.

The Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA) is holding Weight Stigma Awareness Week. According to BEDA, weight stigma can be:

• practical (for instance, medical equipment or seats in most public places that are too small to accommodate obese persons);
• verbal (such as insults, ridicule, teasing, stereotypes, derogatory names or pejorative language); or
• physical (such as bullying or other aggressive behaviors)

In some cases stigma results in discrimination, such as employment discrimination wherein an obese employee is denied a position or promotion solely or primarily due to esthetic revulsion at his or her appearance, despite the individual being appropriately qualified.

I think this is a really important educational event. Weight stigma is so pervasive and unfortunately a largely socially accepted form of mistreating and abusing the overweight. The message is that the overweight brought their problem upon themselves, so they deserve it. Even the government wants to penalize the overweight. The latest is New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg, who would rather see poor children go hungry than risk them being overweight.

We are barraged with media messages about the “obesity epidemic.”  Everybody’s fat. And getting fatter as we speak. All sorts of silly surveys done about the fattest city, the fattest state. Article after article pondering what the culprits are and what can be done about it. It’s exhausting.

Yet despite the fact that overweight people are so prevalent, they are marginalized, excluded, lives made more difficult. Airlines want to exclude them, or charge them for two seats. You have doctors who refuse to treat overweight people. They are unwilling to assume the “heightened risk.” They are unwilling to purchase appropriate equipment to do so. You can read all about it here and here. Hello, if the obese are supposed to be the unhealthiest, shouldn’t they be the ones most in need of medical care?

Fashion designers don’t want to design for them. Even the plus size clothing designers that do exist are waning, dropping like rows of dominos. Here in Westchester (a suburb of New York City), Lane Bryant and Avenue, two of the biggest women’s clothing manufacturers closed their stores. Then they closed their stores in Manhattan as well. I read an excellent article by author Jen Lancaster about how her Macy’s had ceased carrying plus sizes. Are there suddenly less plus size women out there? Are plus size women supposed to go naked? I don’t think so.

Verbal bullying is the quick insult directed towards the immediately visible, easy target. Bullies are angry people looking for someone to blame, someone to take their frustrations out on. So a big man (or woman) crosses their path and they swoop like vultures. Bullies may even have once been overweight or are simply afraid of becoming overweight. Maybe they don’t like themselves and are trying to belittle others to make themselves look better.

Employers do it too. Particularly now when jobs are at such a premium. They are looking for a quick way to weed people out. They are overworked and/or under motivated. They assume that heavier people are lazy, less competent. Meanwhile, there’s no evidence of this. How many times have you seen the cute girl flirt her way with her boss into getting ahead? Or the quick-talking slick guy talk his way into taking credit for something, without there being much substance behind his words? Employers worry about appearances. Often you see the less attractive workhorse in the background, doing more than his or her share of the work, getting less attention, less credit. Maybe that employee is heavy because they are working longer, sedentary hours, compromising his/her own health. And every time employers make the lazy, easy, superficial choice, rather taking the time to assess true merit, they are only potentially hurting their own productivity and success.

So many stereotypes and false assumptions. Skinny doesn’t even necessarily equate to healthy, and the overweight can be healthy too. The body mass index (BMI) is a questionable measure of health. And quite frankly, even if you are unhealthy, really it’s no one’s business but your own. That is one of the worst things about weight stigma–the highly personal nature of the attack. There is a lot of lip flapping about how the overweight are driving up health care costs. This isn’t even necessarily true. There are a lot of reasons that health costs are too high, and maybe some attention needs to be given to that, rather than looking for a convenient scapegoat. Secondly, everyone does things that are contrary to their perfect health. No matter how healthy a lifestyle you lead, there’s always more that you can do. Do you really want people coming in and telling you what to eat, what exercise to do, how to live your life? I say, your body your decision.

Finally, fat-shaming does not work. Fat people have been taking abuse levied on them forever, it doesn’t change anything, whether or not they can lose the weight (and they may not be able to, or they may not be able to keep it off).  You read the link I just mentioned. Or Google it. There’s a ton of research out there showing you can abuse people all you want, it’s not going to make them any thinner. So don’t try and say that weight stigma exists for the person’s own good.

Bullying is not okay. Discrimination is not okay. Everyone is deserving of dignity and respect. Treat others how you want to be treated. End of story.

Sorry I’ve been missing in action.  I was celebrating my birthday last weekend! And then I’ve been working a lot.  But here are the latest interesting things I’ve seen online.

Check out Amy Poehler’s body image advice here as part of her Smart Girls at the Party web series.

Do you think the government has the right to tell us what we can eat or drink? The NYC Department of Health recently approved Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal to put a ban on the sale of large sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, street carts and movie theaters, enacting the first restriction of its kind in the country. Read about it here.

Reverse airbrushing may be becoming a thing now? There are reports out there that in response to the public’s demand for models that are curvier, fashion magazines are turning to Photoshop to make thin models look bigger. Leading to the obvious question, as to why don’t they just use bigger models?  You can read an interview I did with a plus size model here.

Speaking of airbrushing, crazy story/personal essay on Jezebel about a woman who found her picture in Vogue, only to discover she was missing a hand. Yes, Vogue, airbrushed her hand right off.

Taylor Townsend, top woman tennis player in the world, nearly missed a spot in last week’s U.S. Open because U.S. Tennis Association (USTA) told her they weren’t going to finance her appearance in anymore tournaments until she lost weight/got into better shape. I shit you not. Another crazy example of appearances taking precedence over actual health/fitness.

So who’s watching Project Runway tonight? I’m at work, but it will be waiting for me on my DVR. I’m hoping this is the week they get rid of Ven Budhu, that designer who body-shamed and bullied Terri Herlihy. Like I reported previously, Terri isn’t taking it lying down.  Read more about what’s up with her on her Terri’s Redemption facebook page, including pictures from a Lane Bryant event she modeled at and Terri looking gorgeous at NY Fashion Week.

In this episode, “real life” non-models were nominated by their friends for makeovers on the show. The Project Runway contestants were each assigned a woman to create an original outfit for.

Fun, right? Not so much for Terri Herlihy, hardworking working mom with three children who had the misfortune to be assigned to Ven Budhu.

Ven Budhu insulted and bullied Terri from the outset. Why? Because she is around a size fourteen. He complained about being arbitrarily assigned to her, actually suggesting that he was being deliberately sabotaged because it was harder to design for a “larger” woman.  He made rude and disparaging remarks about her body and “problem areas.” He said her before photo was a “nightmare.” Notably, Ven is not a small man himself. Which is not to put him down, one would think that maybe he would be able to identify with her.

At one point Ven had Terri in tears. I pictured myself as her. It could have been me. I’m around her size. I was really touched by her friend’s loyal support of her, as she described how selfless Terri was, how little time she takes for herself because she is so busy with work and her family. This was a rare opportunity to get something done for her. Instead, she got abused by an insensitive jerk on national television.

The purpose of this challenge was for designers to show they could work with real-life women of different shapes and sizes, as well as to listen to their clients and meet their wardrobe needs while incorporating their own fashion designer aesthetic. Clearly, Ven wasn’t up to the task. He tried to shift blame her for his failings, saying Terri had no style and a bad attitude. Terri requested pants, which were most conducive to her lifestyle and personal needs. Ven couldn’t manage that, saying his specialty was dresses. Project Runway contestants are supposed to accessorize their models and put together a complete look. Ven Budhu couldn’t be bothered doing that, instead leaving Terri without accessories or even shoes.

The outfit Ven created for Terri was ugly and uninspired. Despite that and his bad behavior, while Ven was in the bottom two, he wasn’t sent home. Viewers are furious.

Terri was interviewed by The Clicker on Today, who she told that the experience was even worse than what we saw on TV. According to her, much of Ven’s bullying was edited out (along with her friend telling Ven off). She has three daughters and she told The Clicker if she had seen how mean Ven was behind her back, she never would have let them watch the show.

While the show was airing, Ven unleashed a series of snarky tweets about Terri and the show showing while he’d had the time to reflect, clearly he’d learned nothing. Twitter lit up with feedback from viewers letting Ven know just how unacceptable his words and behavior was. He tried to back-pedal and delete the tweets, but you can see the screen captures here. Trying to rehabilitate his bad image, he’s issued half-hearted apologies on Facebook and Twitter, his words belied truly taking responsibility. Instead, Ven blamed how things looked on Project Runway’s editing, and said his actions and words were “unintentional.”

Since the airing of the show, Terri Herlihy has received an outpouring of support.  Former Project Runway contestants Michael Costello and Peach Carr offered to design outfits for Terri, since Ven couldn’t hack it. A few days ago, Plus Model Magazine did a makeover for Terri and their sponsors are giving Terri over $1300 in clothing gift cards. I saw a couple of preview pictures of the shoot on Terri’s personal Facebook page and she looks awesome! Not surprising, as she is gorgeous. She just needed to be in hands of people who knew what they were doing.

Speaking of Facebook, Terri and her friend had set up a Facebook page called “Terri’s Redemption” for all the fans who contacted her after the show to express their outrage and support. But just a couple of days that page mysteriously was taken down from Facebook, against Terri and her friend’s authorization and wishes. They have reached out to Facebook, but have yet to receive a response.  This leads many of us to wonder at whose behest this was done.

Incidentally, Project Runway re-aired the episode, shortened, and with some of Ven’s comments and actions deleted out. Their producer did reach out to Terri and invited her to the season finale.  She has accepted. I say good for her. She should go on that show, head held high, and rocking her terrific new look.

UPDATE:  Terri’s Facebook Page called “Terri’s Redemption” is back! No word from Facebook on where it went. In any event, you can join it and show your support here.

UPDATE NO. 2: Now that Terri’s page is back up, I see that another former Project Runway contestant, Suede has also offered to make an outfit for Terri. So I’m giving him a shout-out. Sorry Suede, for not mentioning you earlier, you’re awesome!

No doubt Vivia Chen of the Careerist would have a lot of snarky, negative things to say about professionals with tattoos. I wrote about her penchant for insulting other womens’ appearances here.

Confession: I’ve got one. And I was interviewed over at the cool Rewind Revise blog about it last week. Read the interview (and see a picture of my tattoo) here.