Category Archives: Body Image and Self Esteem

Retail Therapy, Body Image and Self Esteem

September 30, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , , , 2 Comments

From the time I got my working papers in my early teens and my first job, I shopped too much. I purveyed fashion magazines looking at fashion and beauty trends, trying to find an affordable way to mimic what I saw. My family was less well-off than most of my classmates and I paid for most of my clothes myself since I was fourteen or so.

I spent much of my time feeling cheap, conspicuous and ugly. I was the ultimate consumer. I studied makeup tips, believing if I found the right cosmetics (and the techniques to go along with it); I could cover up my acne and transform my face into something more attractive. Each new product represented newfound hope. But the makeup never really lived up to its promise, and the pimples always seemed to push through, uncontainable. My lips never got plumper, and my cheekbones didn’t come out of hiding. My ruddy complexion refused to be erased by creams or powders; it revealed itself, red and angry.

I thought the right clothes could make my body look slimmer, more appealing. I hid beneath clothes that were much too large. I saved up for name brands—Espirit, Benetton, Jordache, Guess (yes, this was the 80’s and I’m dating myself.) I thought the right label would make me legitimate, help me fit in. Once, I was thrilled to find a cheap Benetton sweatshirt at a flea market. Silly me, I was new to the concept of knock-offs. A helpful, richer, and savvier classmate pointed it out to me. I was a fake, a fraud.

Who was I, what was my style? Fashion had the infinite possibility to allow me to express myself, establish my identity. Cashing my minimum wage paycheck, and circling my suburban mall on Sunday afternoons, going from store to store and trying to buy self-expression. I even cut school periodically to go to Macy’s One Day Sales. Yes, I was a rebel.

I went through a stage when I said screw self-expression, I just wanted guys to think I was sexy. Anything that I could wear that would attract men, I was all for. It was a push and pull game between trying to expose as much as I could, while hiding all that I felt I needed to. Show cleavage but hide my stomach rolls. Show some leg, but not the fattest part of my thighs.

Complicating the issue was that my body refused to stay one size. Gain weight, lose weight. Clothes scaling up and down the size charts. Not only was I spending too money, but the days were numbered as to how long I could wear what I bought before I outgrew them or they were too big. I felt dizzy, out of control.

So much money spent. Makeup that got old, unused. Clothes with the tags never taken off.

I slowed down my shopping. As my weight went up and down, I tried to pull from my stash, the ready-made wardrobes I had in a variety of sizes. I winced at bad purchases I made (did I really think I was going to wear that?) Things went out of style. Gradually I purged, cleaned out my closet.

I don’t shop like I used to. Save the very occasional impulse purchase, I only buy makeup when I really need. I wear less and I don’t really experiment so much anymore. I don’t have the time. Besides, who has the money in this lousy, downwardly mobile economy? Certainly not me, that’s for damn sure.

Clothes too, I try really hard to buy only what I need. I’m still trying to stabilize my weight, to be one consistent size. I thought I was there, and now I’ve fluctuated a bit. I’m a bit scared; I’m trying to regain my footing. I’m trying to get a sense of who I am, to bring my life into clarity and focus.

I want to look my best. Both for my own self-esteem and because everyone judges you based on how you look. Which is so wrong, but that’s another story. I still feel rushes of insecurity, the urge to buy myself something, to indulge in some retail therapy. I want that perk, that pick-me-up. I tell myself that the security of having my money in order, of having the free time and ability to pursue what is fun, interesting and important to me is more important than stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. I still think it’s important to enjoy your appearance, to have fun with it. I love clothes, makeup, accessories, even though they play a lesser role in my life. And I still think it’s important to express yourself. I’m not ready to lead an austere existence by any means. But if I’m buying something I don’t strictly, strictly need, I want it to be something that I’m going to enjoy. I want it to be something that makes me happy, rather than something that has the unwieldy, impossible task of making me feel less sad and bad about myself.

My credit cards don’t need to bear the weight of my self-esteem. And I work too hard to have to pay those bills. It’s hard enough out there as it is.

Tattoos!

August 30, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , , , 2 Comments

How do you feel about tattoos?  Love them, hate them, don’t care? Should we be judging other people based on their tattoos? Can it be liberating to get one?

No doubt Vivia Chen of the Careerist would have a lot of snarky, negative things to say about professionals with tattoos. I wrote about her penchant for insulting other womens’ appearances here.

Confession: I’ve got one. And I was interviewed over at the cool Rewind Revise blog about it last week. Read the interview (and see a picture of my tattoo) here.

When Your Mirror Sneaks Up And Bites You

August 14, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

I haven’t been looking in the mirror much lately.

Sure, I glance quickly in the morning, primarily to ensure I don’t have any sort of major wardrobe malfunction, and that my under five minute makeup “face” is presentable. I let my hair dry mostly naturally, with maybe five minutes of hair drying if I have time. 

Ages ago, I got contacts that I mean to wear, and instead I take the uninspired way out, automatically slipping my glasses on my face. Even though whenever I wear my contacts, I feel so much better.

I haven’t been weighing myself often either. When I was trying to lose weight,  I was keeping an online food diary, and weighing myself daily. Then I decided I was ok where I was, even if it was higher than what my doctor would have liked (he took the lazy approach of just grabbing the number off a BMI chart). Since then I’ve been going through a rough patch in my life. I binge, then I get back to a better place. My weight has peaked up about 9 pounds, then dropped down to within 3 pounds of my “goal for now.” I weigh myself maybe once a week to see where I’m at. I know some say to throw away your scale entirely. I’m not there yet. But I’m getting better.

My body and overall appearance has been something I haven’t obsessed over, nor have I embraced and taken care of it.  Continue reading →

Stories of Substance: Body Image Round-up (BlogHer Edition!)

August 10, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , Leave a comment

I have been terribly behind in posting—sorry!! Last week I attended the annual BlogHer Conference here in NYC, which is an annual conference of awesome women bloggers meeting and learning and generally having fun. Even though I didn’t have to travel, I had to make up work and stuff before and after so I’ve been in a bit out of the loop. I learned a lot (and learned how much more I have to learn)! I’m still trying to read the different blogs of everyone I met. For my round-up this week, I’m going to give you the links to some great body image posts from the ladies at BlogHer Voices of the Year winners.

I was touched and made teary by Vikki Reich’s piece called Ministrations on the Up Popped A Fox blog.  As she says herself about the piece:

When I wrote that post in April…I cried. I cried because I still have moments when I am tired of being different, moments when I wish I could blend, moments when I judge myself too harshly. But, I also shed tears because I am so relieved that I have the insight to recognize those moments and dare myself to be braver.

Writing words on a page and reading those words to a roomful of people are very different things.

When I stepped onto the stage to read, I was visible in a way that I have not been since I began blogging. I stood there looking so very queer and read a piece about coming to terms with that.

What does it mean to be pretty and how does our identities depend on labels? Law Mama at Spilled Milk and Other Atrocities wrestles with being pretty, a mother, a wife, and a woman in the poignant post Pretty. Continue reading →

The Mean Old Lady In The Elevator

July 29, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem, Speak Out Against This! Tags: , , , , 3 Comments

This past week I was riding in an elevator to go to a meeting at a nonprofit I’m going to be doing some volunteer work for. It was an older New York City building, with somewhat smaller than standard elevators. A brunette woman in her earlier thirties got on after me, and then an older woman stood in the front.

The brunette was a large woman, dressed in a t-shirt and black pants. The older woman had long “blonde” hair and was wearing a tweed suit and pearls. His pink pocketbook matched her shoes. She was perhaps in her late seventies—older and thin, but by no means frail. She looked very proper and well-coiffed.

So the elevator reached the brunette’s floor and the doors opened. “Excuse me?” she said to the older woman, who was blocking her path to the door. The older woman didn’t move. The brunette repeated herself.

The older woman grumbled and huffed, then moved over. After the brunette left the elevator, the older woman turned to me and said:

Did you see her? She was so big she could barely fit through the door.

True, the girl was large. At one time I was probably close to her size. I’m not exactly petite myself now. But she wasn’t anywhere near having to stand sideways and grease herself up to be able to shimmy and squeeze through the doors.

I said nothing. I looked at that mean old lady with what I’m sure was shock and disgust, and then stared straight ahead. We both got off at the same floor. Thankfully, she wasn’t going to the same place I was.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about what happened. It’s been eating at me a bit. Continue reading →

Get Involved With The Keep It Real Challenge

June 27, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem, Speak Out Against This! Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

 

Did you know that 80% of ten year old girls report having been on a diet? That’s right, ten years old. MissRepresentation.org and some other girls’/women’s organizations have started a Keep It Real 3-day challenge for the public to push magazines to take responsibility for the influence they have on female body image. Read about it here.  

Get involved! See this toolkit to get started. They are asking magazines to show one unphotoshopped model image per issue. Just one. That seems reasonable, right?

Day One (June 27th) is a Twitter campaign to the editors of these major magazines asking them to “keep it real.” You can find the Twitter addresses to send your appeal to in the toolkit. Day Two (June 28th) is a blog campaign where we can all write about how we’ve personally been affected by photoshopped images, then tweet and post our links to the magazines’ Twitter accounts and Facebook walls. Finally, on Day Three (June 29th), you can submit photos of what “real beauty” looks like. The best photos will be selected to be on a billboard in New York City!

You can check out their Facebook page here too. I’m so excited about all of great work these organizations are doing!

Should Plus Size Women Have Their Own Gym?

June 24, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Should plus size women have their own gym? Body Exchange in Vancouver says yes. This gym does not allow either men or smaller-size women to become members. Their mission of “fearless fitness at any size” on their website is stated as such:

Our Mission is to remove limited thinking and living due to weight by using fitness and adventure as the vehicle to better living. We are a new approach to health and wellness one that is contrary to the sometimes extreme measures and disappointments of the weight loss industry.

Hundreds of clients have regained and sustained their health and wellness from our approach. They have found a community, a place to relate and challenge themselves and most importantly a place to start living out loud with no barriers.

I was turned off at first. I felt places like Body Exchange would serve only to marginalize larger women further. Why should they be forced out of mainstream gyms?

Bigger women (and men!) going to gyms are often looked at askance. Look at the extreme case of Sandra Ruiz, who was actually told she was too big to use the machines in a gym she’d just joined. Ridiculous. Though the gym eventually (begrudgingly) refunded her money, that’s got to have hurt her ego and inclination to work out in the future.

I thought about my own experiences with gyms. I’ve never been athletic. I dreaded gym class growing up. Gyms are really hard to stick to when fitness and exercise isn’t something  you’re good at and doesn’t appeal to you naturally. When you’re made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, you’re even less likely to keep it up.

I’ve joined a number of gyms. Wasted a lot of money on gym memberships I didn’t use. The most comfortable I ever felt? Sadly, it was when I had my eating disorder. I was working out six times a week. I was making myself sick with guilt and obsessive behavior. But I had muscles in my legs. Muscles! I didn’t know that was possible for me. And yet, I weighed 110 pounds and hadn’t gotten my period for months. And I was starving myself, binging and purging. But I felt like my body was thin enough that I didn’t have to feel embarrassed. So I was able to get the muscles I’d never had before. Pretty screwed up right?

The only other time I felt like I belonged was at a women’s gym. There were classes, and some of them were for actual beginners. I started to get to know faces. I felt a kinship with some of the women around me. Sometimes I moved in one direction when most everyone else was going the other way. Sometimes I got so lost I had to stop and watch what everyone around me was doing. When I couldn’t do anymore, I took a little break without feeling like people were judging. It was great.

Unfortunately, the gym was hard to get to. And I started putting in too many hours at work. So I stopped going. I miss that. I’d like to find that again.

My husband Ted and I got a one month membership to a nearby gym heavily discounted—a Groupon. We thought we’d try it out, maybe it was something we could do together. But we didn’t go as often as we should. I was really interested in learning how to use the machines, because I need to build up the muscles in my legs because of my knee problems. Though I knew how to use the machines in the past, I was rusty. Ted didn’t know how to use them either. Continue reading →

Are You “Confident Enough” To Promote Positive Body Image?

May 30, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem, Friends, Family and Romance Tags: , , , , Leave a comment

I did a guest blog post for Girlfriendology last week about the ways we can help our friends improve their body image. Because friends don’t let friends hate their bodies! You can check out the article here. There’s lots of good ideas there. Go forth and read it and come back. I’ll wait.

One question that arose out of the article was “how can I help my friend if I’m not loving my body myself?” And “who am I to promote positive body image when my own self-esteem isn’t where I’d like it to be?”

These questions make sense. We all look for inspiration. Someone stronger and more secure than us that we can look up and aspire towards. Role models. Leaders.

I’ve wondered about this myself. Because while I’ve been complimented on the “work” I do to promote positive body image, I’m not entirely secure myself. I have times when I’m strong and confident and feel like I can kick the world’s collective ass. Figuratively speaking. Bring it on, I think to myself. Then again, on occasion I look in the mirror and am unable to stop myself from cringing.  Am I a fraud? I think to myself. Am I a hypocrite?

I don’t think so. Because I keep working hard and pushing my way through the bouts of insecurity and faltering self-love. All we can all do is try our best. Be honest and not give up. Try to say and do something that will mean something to ourselves and the people around us.

When you think about it, what’s the alternative? Wait until we feel like we have it completely together? Put off speaking out and working towards a good cause?  How do we know when we are “confident enough”?

To me, waiting until we feel like we have our brains perfectly straight is eerily analogous to waiting to accept ourselves until we lose those last ten pounds, or get into those pair of jeans we have tucked away. It’s not realizing our worth NOW.

You can make a difference to someone else’s self-esteem. You can speak out against negative messages hampering women’s positive body image. You have a voice. Use it. Don’t wait until you feel you’ve “earned” the right to speak. You have something to say. Demand to be heard.

There are so people that are just awesome, that make me want to be more . At the same time, their greatness doesn’t make me worth less. When you see someone you admire, try to learn from them. But at the same time, try to find in the leader in yourself.

Empowering yourself will not only help those around you, but will help you to appreciate yourself. Be there for your girlfriends. Be there for yourself. You’re “enough” already.

Stories of Substance: Body Image Round-Up

May 18, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem, Stories of Substance Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Love this post on Nourishing the Soul about aging gracefully, not getting so hung up on what your life was “supposed to be,” appreciating your life, and dreaming big for the future.

Beauty Redefined has great insights on why fitspiration isn’t so inspirational.

Jezebel gets it right on  why being mean to fat people is pointless and asking why kindness is becoming obsolete.

Are toy manufacturers “sexifying” girls’ toys? See the evidence on Adios Barbie here.

A must read. I’ve written one post and interviewed a plus size model about the use of models that look like the average consumer. Some have argued that we don’t really want to see models that look like us. But in Elle Canada, there’s an article about a new study out that debunks what some clothing retailers and designers have been claiming  And yes, race and age matter too us too.

Does the world really need a bikini hockey league? Fit and Feminist intelligently and rightfully rants here.

Stories of Substance: Body Image Round-Up

May 8, 2012 By in Body Image and Self Esteem Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Good news! Conde Nast International issued a statement this week that no edition of Vogue (it has 19 editions worldwide) will work with models under 16 or who appear to have an eating disorder. Let’s hope this sends a message to the fashion industry. Read more here.

The newest body image activist? Kudos to Julia Bluhm, age 14 (no that’s not a typo) who organized an online petition  asking Seventeen Magazine to publish one un-photoshopped spread per month. At the time I signed the petition, nearly 46,000 people had already signed it. While Seventeen Magazine has agreed to meet the eighth grader (who even protested outside of Seventeen’s offices!), they haven’t agreed to the petition’s demands. Read more about it here. Julia is active with the SPARK Movement, which was organized to challenge sexualization of girls and women in the media and help girls develop healthy sexuality and self esteem. Imagine what we could do if we all speak out the way this teen is doing!

Is Victoria’s Secret’s advertising objectifying and dis-empowering women? We need to be conscious consumers. Very interesting research and paper done by Lexie Kite of Beauty Redefined here.

Do you come across pictures or stories in newspapers, magazines or television and shake your head? Alternatively, do you want to be able to speak out and let advertisers know when they are getting it right? A new iTunes application coming out called Body Image Voice lets you write about and rate images you see in the media and advertising. Personally, I can’t wait to check it out! Read more here .

I love finding new blogs to read! Fighting Anorexia is a wonderful, inspirational blog about recovering/staying recovered from eating disorders. Check out this wonderful post about reasons to fight for recovery here.

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