If we all couldn’t always have as much fun as these 2 girls every time we went out. Heh.
Back when I was single and going out to the bars, a friend of mine complained to me she felt like she was her roommate’s “duff.” I’d never heard of the expression. According to the Urban Dictionary, a duff is an ugly friend that women hang out with to make themselves look better by comparison. Men, in turn, see a duff as the ugly gatekeeper (a c*ck blocker, to be more crass), that gets in the way of them hitting on a hotter friend. Supposedly men will sometimes have a “wingman” friend actually distract and hit on the Duff so that another guy in their group can hit on the more attractive woman without interruption.
Strangely, some say when it comes to men, having a more attractive friend seems to sometimes help, rather than hurt them rather than women. With men, there seems to be the attitude that hanging out with good-looking guys somehow makes them more attractive and desirable. And that if they are lucky, they might get their friends’ discards (assuming they are attractive enough, of course). Double standards, ugh.
Is it possible for women with different “degrees” of conventional attractiveness to be friends? These are all generalizations and theories and subjective of course. It definitely makes me thankful I’m not out there trying to meet someone anymore. Do I think it’s true? I’m going to give the noncommittal answer, sometimes.
I think sometimes we women do it to ourselves. We judge ourselves, find ourselves lacking and assume others see us the same way. There have been times I’ve been jealous of friends and felt like everyone saw me as the uglier one. I was projecting my insecurities onto other people, which wasn’t right of me to do. Then again, I have had some friends that I think acted and believed they were superior. I do think they looked down on me, and they were pretty lousy friends overall. I’m glad to be rid of them. No one should put up with that.
And yes, I’ve had friends that many would say were prettier than me that I had a healthy, non-jealous relationship with. They were good friends, didn’t think or act like they were superior to me. We got along great. I was in a better place mentally, and I didn’t let envy come between us. As it should be.
On the flip side, I’ve had friends that I was “conventionally” better-looking than. I keep stressing “conventionally” because beauty as dictated by society is so narrow and subjective. And we are all attractive in our own ways. When I had friends society would probably say I was more attractive than, I didn’t feel better than them. I saw beauty in them. I saw all these things I loved about them, qualities and characteristics about them I thought were great and wanted to develop in myself.
I read this great article on xoJane about a girl whose two closest friends are models. They manage to have a happy, healthy and supportive friendship. You should check it out.
As for men? Sure, I think there are plenty that do think of and treat women like duffs. Which makes them, frankly, pretty immature and not that the type of partner we want. I don’t think they are all that way. I also think bars often bring out the worst in people, and aren’t the best way to meet someone special. Not that it doesn’t happen, but it’s tough out there.
My advice would be to be aware and discriminating, but to give people a chance and try not to get paranoid. A tall order, sometimes. Good friends are hard to come by. Good men are hard to come by. Appreciate them when you have them. And don’t be afraid to let a friend or guy go who isn’t treating you right.
Also, you can’t stop other people from judging and comparing, but you can control your own thoughts. There’s nothing to be gained from measuring yourself against other people. Try to work on feeling good about yourself instead.
Have you ever felt like a duff? Or treated someone like one? Do you think men with more attractive friends are somehow more desirable?