I know I should just keep it all in perspective. I want to be an entirely together person who says “ok, I’m just going to enjoy the holidays and not worry about what I eat.” I try not to go completely out of control like I used to do, scarfing down everything in sight like it’s my last meal before going back to watching what I eat. Fortunately, I don’t get those out-of-control urges so much anymore. Probably because I’m not stringent the way I used to be, because I want to be able to live my life without feeling deprived. Overall, I’ve found a pretty good sense of balance.
Deep down, I know it’s the holidays, rather than the food, that’s been getting to me. Complicated family relationships, money worries. Obligations I can’t get out of. I find myself wanting to fast forward to the New Year so I can breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like such a scrooge saying that.
I’m an emotional eater, which I’ve been doing a bit of lately. I’ve gotten a lot better at differentiating when I’m hungry and when I’m unhappy. During the holidays, it feels like it’s been one occasion after the next where I’m deciding “do I really want to eat this?” and “when am I going to cut myself off?” The holidays are stressing me out and everywhere I turn are Christmas cookies and boxes of chocolates waiting to be eaten.
When I’m using food for “comfort,” the food isn’t nourishing or celebratory, but a crutch. And provides fleeting relief. And then I feel guilty. For eating food I’m not even enjoying because I can taste the sadness and resentment in every bite. And more of it that I really want or need. Continue reading